Welcome?

You've made the effort, you're here. That's a start, I suppose.

Does that sound a bit too world weary? Let's try again.

Hi! Thanks for coming!

Ah, that's much better altogether. Now, where was I? Ah yes, writing my blog entry.

They (whoever 'they' are- do you know them?) often say you should take each day at a time. Which is handy, because that's the order they tend to come in. Anyway, these days, coming one at a time, have a strange habit at the moment of being very up, and very down. Up, feeling like I've just started seeing Cameron Diaz and we're on her yacht in the Med (my yacht is in for service in Grimsby, not at all an 'up day' kind of scenario), playing twister, drinking, laughing at dwarfs and generally larking about. Down, when it turns out Cameron Diaz is crap at twister, can't handle her Peroni and is more interested in playing World Of Warcraft through the early hours instead of being rogered senseless by me.

So there are up days, and down days. Today, just to be awkward, is right bang in the middle. I suppose that means the day is open to suggestion. I could put on a Leonard Cohen track and start working out how to make the correct knot for a noose. For me, this is no mean feat, as when it comes to knots, folding stuff or generally being good at anything to do with material, I am utterly, utterly dyslexic. I am to knots what Stephen Hawking is to athletics. On the other hand, something good might happen. The cast of Glee might spontaneously combust or communist Vietnam could fall to a coup of angry cats, hell bent on establishing a free market economy whilst at the same time ensuring good supply of Go Cat for all. Who knows?

But for now, I'm fair to middling.

I can hear you asking, 'what is it that puts you up and down so much' (well, I'm assuming that's what you're asking, as I'm reliant on reading your mind, which is no mean feat, especially on a Saturday)? Well, that's a complex question with a fairly simple answer- just about anything and everything. If you'd asked me three months ago, I'd have told you splitting up with her was the root of it. If you ask me today, it might be that I'm anxious at the dearth of food items in my fridge, or that my OCD like obsession with fuel economy gets me pissed off when one bar of the fuel gauge returns 3 miles less than it does on average, or I could still blame her. Whatever.

If anything pisses me off at the moment though, it's eternal optimists.

"My legs have been blown off!"
"Think what you'll save on shoes"

Sometimes, you just have to admit to stuff being thoroughly crap- there are things that don't and can't have a positive side, like shitting the bed, being given a stupidly large hardback version of a book you're not interested in reading (yes, you know who you are, giving me that tat) or being told your dad is Gary Glitter. None of these things have positive sides. Mind you, I suppose I could use the book as an improvised weapon, or something.

But I digress. Let's just say, being a realist is better than being an eternal optimist.

So this is where I'm coming from. Nothing is going to change with me rambling on the internet. The price of beer won't fall, the sea levels won't rise causing catastrophic flooding in the South East (ha, ha) and cats probably won't invade communist Vietnam but, it might just make a bit of sense for me and, if I'm really lucky, might entertain one or two misguided souls.

Have fun.