Crime and punishment. It's very black and white. The Justice system hauls you in, chews you up a bit and spits you out at a rate of knots, supposedly having turned you from Jack-the-Ripper-in-a-motor-car to driving Miss Daisy in one easy step.
Society has evolved into thinking that payment in kind is all to do with the Law and very little to do with actually trying to put right what you put wrong. Surely the best thing that could come out of a bad situation, is a lesson to stop it happening again? In my case, I am sure the public at large slept well knowing they were protected from me, whilst I resided at Number 1, block H of Durham (well, my bad jokes, most definately, but that's another blog entry...). Truth is, it wasn't 3 months having my freedom curtailed that stopped me driving like a prick. It isn't the memory of that that's keeping me on the straight and narrow now.
Seeing the scene of destruction, watching a man lying in the middle of the road, not breathing, thinking you've killed someone, that's the punishment. Not being able to help, not being able to fix the damage, that's what lives with you. Not a few months from a lifetime sitting in a cell with people who don't really care either way.
I'm not a doctor, biologist or millionaire, so trying to put straight my error isn't a simple task. It wasn't fixed by a year of Police investigation, interviews, court, prison, tagging or probation. There isn't an instruction manual in tidying up the enormous cluster fuck I created. So I've got to think creatively about how to make something good from something very bad. Like trying to turn a school dinner into a meal. Tough, but maybe not impossible.
One thing I can do, is tell the story to others. If that story stops one person going through the pain of the whole experience, it's been worth it. Giving something meaningful back is important, and that's what I'm going to do.
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Friday, 4 March 2011
Take nothing for granted part II
And just when you thought it wasn't safe to leave the cupboard under the stairs, something happens to let you know you needn't have been there in the first place.
That smile you had hidden in the inside pocket of your deepest darkest winter jacket, can start escaping into the open like the you're The Joker on a family pack course of Valium. And it's contagious. Suddenly that thing that pisses you off every single day, that cretin driving at 2mph, makes you chuckle instead of wanting to jump out, run alongside and harpoon the coffin dodger.
Even a conversation with a call centre ends in 'goodbye' instead of 'fuck off and die'. Must be going soft in my old age. But it feels great. Like the opening, lighter nights as Winter's beaten into submission by a rampant Spring. But I draw the line at Parking Attendants. Yes, parking attendants- you're not Traffic Wardens, they're 15 steps up the evolutionary ladder compared to you, you parasitic non-jobbers-in-silly-hats-with-fat-arses.
Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, happiness.
Never forget how good that moment feels, when your heart reimplodes with fireworks. It should be a daily occurrance, not a once in a while experience. Do what you have to do to maintain it. Make everyday another new experience and get excited all over again. Recycle the happiness, keep it up.
This one's dedicated to the Irish Sea, thanks for nothing! :)
That smile you had hidden in the inside pocket of your deepest darkest winter jacket, can start escaping into the open like the you're The Joker on a family pack course of Valium. And it's contagious. Suddenly that thing that pisses you off every single day, that cretin driving at 2mph, makes you chuckle instead of wanting to jump out, run alongside and harpoon the coffin dodger.
Even a conversation with a call centre ends in 'goodbye' instead of 'fuck off and die'. Must be going soft in my old age. But it feels great. Like the opening, lighter nights as Winter's beaten into submission by a rampant Spring. But I draw the line at Parking Attendants. Yes, parking attendants- you're not Traffic Wardens, they're 15 steps up the evolutionary ladder compared to you, you parasitic non-jobbers-in-silly-hats-with-fat-arses.
Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, happiness.
Never forget how good that moment feels, when your heart reimplodes with fireworks. It should be a daily occurrance, not a once in a while experience. Do what you have to do to maintain it. Make everyday another new experience and get excited all over again. Recycle the happiness, keep it up.
This one's dedicated to the Irish Sea, thanks for nothing! :)
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Take nothing for granted
There you are, running at full speed towards you don't know what. Ups come, downs come and the world meanders along at a pace it's always been used to.
The faces in your life are a mixture of acquaintances, friends, rocks and family, in any given combination. You get used to them, you rely on some of them, you don't really need some and yes, you always take some for granted. Days, weeks, months and years go by and they're still there. They're the wallpaper on your life's walls.
Sometimes it's your choice to redecorate, change the wallpaper, new curtains, change the scene. It suits you, you need to do it. But sometimes, it's out of your hands. You turn around and that woodchip has been peeled off, not even to be replaced. The comfort in your surroundings can disappear faster than a pikey with your pushbike. And how you feel, I suppose, depends on where that comfort was on your radar.
That ground you didn't realise was supporting your feet, gives way, and the shock of the fall is only eclipsed by the pain of your heavy landing. And, for a while at least, you take stock, you evaluate and consider. A life moving at 27,000 miles an hour slows to a crawl and a moment of clarity is delivered like a parcel from the god of pragmatism. All those connections, wallpapers, suddenly mean so much to you, not to be taken for granted, not to be removed.
Don't let it ebb. Keep that considered clarity. Never wake up in a redecorated room regretting you never managed one last look at the old decorations. Accept it can happen any time, any place, probably when you want or expect it the least, but it's going to happen. Live as if it's going to, let the rocks, friends and family take their rightful place in your thoughts and when it happens, let that candle in your conscience burn for them without wavering.
Love isn't a weakness or a dependence, it's a strength and should be embraced. Embrace the ones you love and don't let go.
This one's dedicated to someone in pain right now. Celtic 1, Rangers 0, at least.
The faces in your life are a mixture of acquaintances, friends, rocks and family, in any given combination. You get used to them, you rely on some of them, you don't really need some and yes, you always take some for granted. Days, weeks, months and years go by and they're still there. They're the wallpaper on your life's walls.
Sometimes it's your choice to redecorate, change the wallpaper, new curtains, change the scene. It suits you, you need to do it. But sometimes, it's out of your hands. You turn around and that woodchip has been peeled off, not even to be replaced. The comfort in your surroundings can disappear faster than a pikey with your pushbike. And how you feel, I suppose, depends on where that comfort was on your radar.
That ground you didn't realise was supporting your feet, gives way, and the shock of the fall is only eclipsed by the pain of your heavy landing. And, for a while at least, you take stock, you evaluate and consider. A life moving at 27,000 miles an hour slows to a crawl and a moment of clarity is delivered like a parcel from the god of pragmatism. All those connections, wallpapers, suddenly mean so much to you, not to be taken for granted, not to be removed.
Don't let it ebb. Keep that considered clarity. Never wake up in a redecorated room regretting you never managed one last look at the old decorations. Accept it can happen any time, any place, probably when you want or expect it the least, but it's going to happen. Live as if it's going to, let the rocks, friends and family take their rightful place in your thoughts and when it happens, let that candle in your conscience burn for them without wavering.
Love isn't a weakness or a dependence, it's a strength and should be embraced. Embrace the ones you love and don't let go.
This one's dedicated to someone in pain right now. Celtic 1, Rangers 0, at least.
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